How To Dump and Be Dumped

In 1863, Lady Gough’s Book of Etiquette stated that, “The perfect hostess will see to it that the works of male and female authors be properly separated on her bookshelves. Their proximity, unless they happen to be married, should not be tolerated”. Now times have become a little more relaxed in the world and J.K Rowling’s latest is fine to be placed next to your Deepak Chopra bible however when it comes to a couple separating, I feel there should still be some etiquette and decorum.

Firstly I want to have a word to the dumpers…If I hear another person say, “They are such a sweet person and I am waiting for the right time (maybe after Christmas….2011) because I don’t want to upset them”, then I may have to bitch slap them to Copenhagen. The truth is the only reason you haven’t called it off is you are delaying feeling guilty or for some other reason that I assure you is totally self centred. If you really cared for them you would want to see them with someone who truly loved and cherished them. The quickest way for them to find such a person is to throw that fish back in the water so it can glide away as soon as it forgets about the hook you just ripped out of it’s throat. It’s simple. Be honest, compassionate and then leave them be.

Now dumpees, you poor things. Make sure you say Thank you! What? But that F&*% C&^$* just dumped me. What about the dog, the house, the holiday, the wedding, the anniversary, the children and the happy ever after? Well the truth is that person just did you a favour and you do not need to repay them by texting, calling, begging, stalking or declaring you have changed your mind on trying that new vogue Scandinavian sex game that requires 2 sheep placentas and some. At the end of the day, this is a person who doesn’t value enough to call you their partner and they are letting you off the hook to go find someone who will cherish, adore and love you for the attractive, witty, intelligent catch that you are. Don’t waste your time making excuses like they are simply stressed from work, haven’t got over their ex or they just need to do their “lap” to realise the grass isn’t greener because the more like reason is most probably, in the words of Greg Behrendt, “He’s Just Not that Into You”.

So whether you agree or disagree, I think it’s fair to say that everyone deserves to be with someone who will truly love them and there is enough nastiness in the world that you don’t need to add to it. When the time comes to end a relationship let’s do it with respect for them and yourself. And if you don’t use your best manners, you will have to eat dinner with that Harry Potter Novel on your head for the next week.